Powerless and impotent

Well, my daughter is sick again. Many of you brothers have stood in the gap with me in prayer over the years and know all too well the struggles my daughter has with asthma. Every time she gets a cold or virus, 3-4 days later it triggers her asthma, bad. This looks like sleepless nights, constant coughing and, for me at least, great frustration, fear and anxiety. Let me explain why.

From the age of 2 until now, my daughter has struggled with her asthma. Early on, she was even hospitalized because we could not control it. Control. That's the issue. I have never really struggled with sickness in my life or the life of my family. In spite of not eating well or paying much attention to washing my hands or exercising, health has always, well, just been there. So when my daughter started having these uncontrollable coughing fits, I was out of my element. There is nothing more emasculating than watching your daughter being hurt by some unseen enemy and not be able to lift a finger to help. If it was an assailant at the door, I would rip his head off! But this enemy, this sickness was out of the norm and I was out of my mind. Out of control.

I like control. I like knowing where I am going, what my day looks like, what chapter I am on, how much I need to do and getting it done in the time allowed. I like to follow the rules. I like to color in the lines. I tuck my undershirt into my underwear so it doesn't ride up during the day (probably more information than you like, but it is my blog). I like my hair cuts high and tight. I like my kids healthy. My life in order. And doesn't life always go the way you planned? Ya, right.

Early on during Madison's sickness, I just got depressed, cried, lost alot of weight. I wrestled with God and felt cheated by Him. I gave my life to Him as a pastor, full time ministry. He owed me for that. How could He give me this burden? How could I do the work he called me to with less sleep and divided attention? What had I done wrong? Was there some sin in my life? I really had to wrestle with my understanding of who God was. Was He just a cosmic santa claus, come to bless me if I was nice, punish me if I was naughty? Was He a gumball machine...I put in a quarter (my career or calling) and He gives me the gumball (perfect life). Or was He something more? Something greater? Something beyond my simple, selfish understanding? Obviously you know the answer.

As I wrestled with God, man did I wrestle, He began confronting me with my idolatry. I had spent 4 years in seminary learning who God was. 2 years of Greek, 2 years of Hebrew. And after all that learning, I still thought God was what I needed or wanted Him to be, a creature of MY own making. I always prided myself on not putting God into a box (I'm a Calvinist so I strongly believe in the all encompassing sovereignty of God for His glory). But, what I came to realize was that my box was just open at the top, but still a box. He still had to fit into my air conditioned, climate controlled, stress and sickness free environment. If not, then there was something wrong with Him, certainly not the box. God was screaming for me to let Him be God. Sounds funny, huh? LET Him be God? He is God! But I was not allowing Him to live out in my life verses like Psalm 115:

1. Not to us, O Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness.
2. Why do the nations say, "Where is their God?"
3. Our God is in heaven; he does whatever pleases him.
4. But their idols are silver and gold, made by the hands of men.
5. They have mouths, but cannot speak, eyes, but they cannot see;
6. they have ears, but cannot hear, noses, but they cannot smell;
7. they have hands, but cannot feel, feet, but they cannot walk; nor can they utter a sound with their throats.
8. Those who make them will be like them, and so will all who trust in them.
9. O house of Israel, trust in the Lord-- he is their help and shield.
10. O house of Aaron, trust in the Lord-- he is their help and shield.
11. You who fear him, trust in the Lord-- he is their help and shield.

I was weak and falling apart because the God I created, the God I worshipped was weak, made of something that easily fell apart under pressure. Either I had to accept these verses as true, God does what He pleases, or worship a different God. He is as He reveals himself, like it or not. I love these verses because not only do they scream of His total control over all things, but they also proclaim just as loudly His goodness:

12. The LORD remembers us and will bless us: He will bless the house of Israel, he will bless the house of Aaron,
13. he will bless those who fear the Lord-- small and great alike.
14. May the LORD make you increase, both you and your children.
15. May you be blessed by the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.
16. The highest heavens belong to the Lord, but the earth he has given to man.
17. It is not the dead who praise the Lord, those who go down to silence;
18. it is we who extol the Lord, both now and forevermore. Praise the Lord.

I love it when God is God. Just when I think have Him figured out, He reminds me of why He alone is worthy of my worship. I mean, if I could figure Him out, with my feeble mind, limited education and inadequate life experience, is He really a God worth worshipping?

I'm still struggling: with myself, with the asthma and with God. I hate this sickness. I plead for God's healing and we use medical knowledge to the full. But God is different now. He has changed. Or maybe I have...and I am glad. Glad to have a God who loves me, really loves me. Glad to have a God I can run to in times of trouble (Psalm 91). Glad that He is not the wimpy, capricious, santa claus God I had invented Him to be. I won't say I am glad for the sickness, but I am glad for Jesus. He is so wonderful. So God. I am powerless and impotent in the face of this sickness, but He is not. He can and has used this to change my heart, my worship, my life. Thank you Lord for showing me the end of myself, and revealing the edges of who You are. Amen.